"Hey, Everybody"

	Chuggaaconroy	“	Hey, everybody. It has been a long time since I last shared anything with you, but I now feel ready to give an update on how I've been doing, and clear up speculation on some incidents that have been brought up since my last message. Whenever something blows up online, people make a lot of incorrect assumptions based on not knowing the full story, and often assume the worst possible context. I would like to start by clearing up these misconceptions. I haven't wanted to reveal information about others, but I think at this point it's best that everything is out in the open. I have removed irrelevant personal information as I only want to say as much as I need to in order to set the record straight. Please do not bother anybody I name here - I do not want others to experience what I went through. I have already asked that people not harass my accusers and it is disappointing to see this ignored or not respected; I truly don't want anybody to be attacked over this.	”

The opening paragraphs of the Google Doc

"Hey, Everybody" is a Google Doc written by Chuggaaconroy and published in April 2024. In the document, Emile discusses the allegations surrounding him in January 2024, and gives his side of the argument. The document clarifies several things and either disproves much of the allegations or shows the full context of them.

In regards to MasaeAnela, he wrote that they dated for 10 years and were secretly engaged, but went their separate ways in 2021, continuing that the breakup was difficult and that they didn't wish to be associated with one another any longer. In regards to Lady Emily, he refuted the idea that he asked her for foot pictures constantly, and wrote that he asked once if he could see photos of her wearing shoes he bought her, not realizing it would make her uncomfortable, and also wrote that Emily would encourage his roleplay and jokes about shoes and consent to and participate in it. In regards to Lawly, he wrote that he had no intention of doing anything to her, that he grew uncomfortable with where the conversations were going due to her age and told her this numerous times, and that it was her goal to manipulate him into having sex with her.

In the "Me at 19" section, Emile recalled childhood trauma in which he was assaulted as a child, leaving him unable to enjoy sex until well into his adult life. In the "My visit to the mental ward" section, Emile admitted that he developed internal bleeding from stress due to the allegations, resulting in two trips to the ER and a prescription for sleeping medication. He also admitted to having suicidal thoughts and revealed he was put in a mental ward after calling the suicide prevention hotline. In the next section, "How I've Been," Emile wrote that after getting out of the ward, he went to live with his girlfriend and praised her for her help. Finally, in the "Moving Forward" section, Emile expressed his love for his friends for trusting him and holding him accountable, and apologized for all the heartache and worry he caused his friends and followers. He admitted he still made mistakes and needed psychiatric help for his depression and roleplay behavior and promised it wouldn't happen again. He then listed the things he did to get help, including visiting his therapist, doing behavioral health sessions, the five nights in the mental ward, never missing his medication, discontinuing his roleplaying and generally learning more about his mental health struggles.

Background

	Chuggaaconroy	“	Hey, all. I ask first of anyone who thinks it’s helping to insult Emily on my behalf: please don’t send any further negativity her way. Emily should be treated with respect. I know that I have hurt Emily with my actions. These are choices I made myself and I don’t think it’s relevant how I “felt” or what my intentions were to justify my actions. I just want to say the end result is that I really hurt you and made you feel uncomfortable. I hate that anyone made you feel that way, and I wish you the best. It took me longer than it should have to take the hint that something was wrong when you cut contact with me. I shouldn’t have assumed you were just busy with traveling and that things were fine. I only began putting it together when the silence continued. I pestered you for too long and I apologize for doing so. When you communicated this to me privately a few months ago, I apologized to you directly and promised I would never repeat this kind of behavior again with anyone else. Once you shared how I made you feel, it was a huge wake-up call and I immediately sought professional help through therapy. I’ve worked in the months ever since then to do what you have wished for me: learn and be better. I have done and said similar things in years past with other people. I am still friends with some of them, while I have fallen out of contact with others. If you were uncomfortable with how I behaved, this apology is for you as well. No matter my intentions, I’m sorry the impact was harmful. I will not reach out to you myself again. I would like to briefly clear up speculation about my relationship. I love my girlfriend, she was aware that this conversation took place, consented to it, and saw what was posted. It crossed no lines set between us at the start of our relationship and we are still together. I trust her to tell me if I do something to upset her. I wish to take this space to thank her for being with me through this and apologize for the immense amount of stress my situation has caused her, because that hasn’t been fair to her. Separately from above, I also want to touch on online discussion about other previous comments I’ve made about shoes over the years. Fitness and footwear are among my hobbies and not strictly fueled by anything more. I can get passionate about my interests, and I now understand how this can come across and how it could negatively affect others. One last time, I recognize I have hurt people and needed to be held accountable for it. I respect anyone who feels disappointed or hurt. I decided around the time of the incident that I would never do this again and learn from it, but I would understand if you didn’t wish to support me any longer.	”

On January 16th, 2024, video essayist Lady Emily accused Chuggaaconroy of trying to initiate foot fetish roleplay with her the previous year. Emily posted screenshots of the interactions between herself and Emile over the course of the day, which showed Emile roleplaying scenarios involving taking off her shoes, while also providing context that he's interested in shoes and likes talking about them with people but that it isn't sexual with friends. Emily posted more screenshots of her DMs with Emile in chronological order on January 20th. Emile issued an apology to Emily on January 17th, and made a longer apology several days later on January 22nd.

The sudden alarm of Emile being casted in a negative light caused many of his followers to seek out MasaeAnela's opinions and comments regarding Emile's activity, unaware at the time of their past relationship and that doing this put Masae back in a compromised position of having to engage in discussions about someone she no longer wanted to be associated with. The amount of unsolicited questioning resulted on January 24th with Masae releasing a statement formally asserting her disassociation with Emile, disapproving of his actions, and stating she was tired with people still assuming the both of them as friends. On January 25th, 2024, a former fan of Emile nicknamed Lawly revealed that she has known him since late 2009 and they started speaking as friends in early 2010 which continued until late 2022. Lawly released a Google Doc showing the full chatlog from AIM and screenshots of their Discord DMs, which show sexually-charged roleplay between the two involving the removal of shoes. The AIM logs Lawly shared date from between January 2010 to August of the same year, and the Discord screenshots shared range from May 2021 to November 2022.

The resulting backlash from these events caused Emile to suffer from extreme public backlash and caused him to lose more than 30,000 of his subscribers over the course of a week, while the Runaway Guys channel lost over 10 thousand subscribers. It was recommended by Emile's psychiatrist that he spend as little time on social media as possible for the sake of his mental health. Emile asked that his fellow YouTubers dissociate themselves from him to protect their reputations until he was able to fight back. On February 2nd 2024, the Runaway Guys channel had gone under hiatus due to the controversies surrounding Emile making it nigh-impossible to move forward with him involved in any capacity. On April 16th, 2024, Emile posted his response to the allegations, also posting a link to a Google Doc consisting of the same information.

Synopsis

It has been a long time since Emile last shared anything with his audience, but he now feels ready to give an update on how he was doing, and clear up speculation on some incidents that have been brought up since his last message. Whenever something blows up online, people make a lot of incorrect assumptions based on not knowing the full story, and often assume the worst possible context. Emile would like to start by clearing up these misconceptions. He hadn't wanted to reveal information about others, but he thinks that it's best for everything to be out in the open. Emile has removed irrelevant personal information as he only wants to say as much as he needed to in order to set the record straight but requests for his fans to please not bother anybody he named as he does not want others to experience what he went through. Emile had already asked that people not harass his accusers and is disappointed to see this ignored or not respected; Emile truly doesn't want anybody to be attacked over this.

Regarding Masae

Masae and Emile dated for 10 years and they were engaged to be married. In every video they were seen together in, he was her boyfriend and their friends all knew about it. His audience is probably wondering how this stayed a secret for so long. Emile and Masae both wanted their private lives to be hidden at the beginning. After the engagement, Emile wanted to share it, but Masae stayed firm that it remained private. She was never clear to him as to why, but he respected her wishes until it was necessary to clear this up.

They loved each other, and Emile thought the world of her, but they had a difficult breakup. Losing her was the hardest thing he has ever gone through and he regretted how emotional he got about it and the way he handled it. That is what happened between them. They would both like to never hear about one another again and he sympathizes with her getting bombarded about his situation after a breakup. The feelings she expressed go both ways and Emile doesn't wish to be associated with her going forward in any capacity either. As for her video cameo after the breakup, he did that because he believed they were still friends and just taking a break from each other, but once she told him she didn’t want them, he stopped. Emile has strong feelings about the way it was said, but he is asking nicely to not run away with speculation about her, because he knows what that feels like. Emile still looks back on their old videos fondly, and personally assures everyone that they were happy and having fun in them. The time for that is just over.

Regarding Lady Emily

In 2023, Emily contacted Emile through a friend who spelled out how their conversations made her feel. Emile was shocked by it, apologized to her, and to some friends he had said/done similar things with. It was well-received among the people Emile talked to and he would like to say here that he's sorry to anyone who hasn’t heard this from him. He hoped to tell everyone on his own terms. This was genuinely the first time this behavior was met so negatively to his face. At the time, Emile was told that this would not go public as long as he never did it again (which he has not done since). Emile took it to heart and sought professional help immediately.

Emile felt like shit for months and was seeing a therapist about it every week, and by the start of January, he felt that he was making some great strides in improving. Emile took Emily’s words seriously and was doing his best to take responsibility, but unfortunately, it all ended up going public anyway. It crushed him inside that despite his efforts, Emily and many others would see him as irredeemable. Emile wants to dispel a few things said about him by Emily. He didn’t “ask her for foot pictures constantly.” Emile asked once if he could see a picture of her wearing the shoes he bought for her, which he honestly didn’t realize would make her uncomfortable. He's gone through their logs and could find no evidence of that claim that he was “constantly asking” or that it was of her bare feet - Emile doesn’t think this is a fair summary of their chats. His kink doesn’t define every aspect of his life. Emile bought Emily shoes because she told him hers were damaged and needed replacing, then told him it was almost her birthday half an hour later. It was spur of the moment, and Emile just wanted to help out a friend. He's also made jokes about feet and bought shoes for most of his friends throughout his life, even for people like Tim.

She would encourage his roleplay and jokes about shoes, and even consented and participated. Emile checked in multiple times to make sure it was really okay and trusted her with a sensitive part of himself so that she wouldn’t feel misled or like Emile had ulterior motives. He thinks that’s also why he didn’t particularly try to hide this. He thought he was being dumb with consenting friends, and at worst, that it was a little embarrassing and his kink was probably one reason Emile liked the subject. His partner read through what Emily posted and thought the tone was silly, not over the line of what’s sexual or romantic for him. Emile would trust her opinion on that more than his own. Emile was also evaluated by medical professionals about his shoe talk; their view was that it was a way to feel close to a friend and an escape in times of high stress and tragedy - it would resurface whenever things got particularly bad.

This is the tone of the conversation that led to the roleplay. Emile thinks, honestly, that it reads as "pretty silly from both of us". He remembers when this happened; he was just playing a video game and laughing to himself when she’d add to it because it was all so out-there and dumb. Emile cackled at her Paper Mario: Sticker Star joke. His girlfriend wanted to add that Emily’s decision to include personal information about her was greatly upsetting to her. Emily needlessly published the territory his girlfriend lives in; this was not public knowledge and did nothing to prove any point. In Emily’s screenshots, he's open about having a girlfriend and told her his significant other was fine with all of this. Their relationship had no bearing on any of this and never needed to be brought up. Emile also wants to say that he never lied about how this was resolved privately. In his original statement, Emile said "When you communicated this to me privately a few months ago, I apologized to you directly and promised I would never repeat this kind of behavior again with anyone else." Emile worded things that way to protect the friend who mediated, as involving others was something he wanted to avoid. Emile promised his friend that he would never repeat this, they discussed it for hours, they told Emily how it went, and then he sent Emily an apology.

Emile never claimed they had a conversation about it. He said it was communicated privately, which it was. He doesn't think a friend being there contradicts that. Emile doesn't retract any apology about hurting her or pestering her for a reply. Nothing he's said changes that he did that. He just felt this important context was left out. This is what he was working with and why he was so comfortable doing this. Emile kept asking if it was okay and kept doing it because she said she enjoyed it. Emile wanted to be open with someone he cared about rather than just assume, and gave her his word that he wouldn’t go into sexual territory for himself. It still wasn’t a good way to act; Emile just hoped it’s understandable how he could think this way. Due to an autism spectrum disability, Emile struggles with understanding social cues or people’s limits. He doesn't hide behind this as a shield from criticism; he's learned to live with it. He learned that he couldn’t always trust himself to say the right thing or not take things too far due to his inability to see social situations the same way as other people. Doctors have told him this is what happens with him. To make up for this weakness, Emile learned many years ago to be open with people, relying on permission, asking questions, and requesting others to tell him if something becomes too much. That is what Emile did with Emily, but despite that, she never once communicated that he said anything that made her uncomfortable until she was considering going public. Emile was confused when she started ignoring his messages as he doesn't do well with being ignored; it just makes him worry a lot about the other person because he does best with open communication. When he has nothing to work with, Emile can’t really understand what someone is thinking, and in this case, He thought she liked how it was going. It usually leads to him just wishing each day will be the day he gets to hear they’re okay. He's learned now that repeated messages like this can be stressful to others. Emile did everything she wanted him to do once she told him she didn’t like it, and took it into his own hands to get mental help and learn more about his issues. It’s perfectly fine to revoke consent or decide it’s getting to be too much, but this wasn’t told to him; Emile was told the opposite of that. This isn’t a case of, “He only listened when he got caught.” He did listen.

Regarding Lawly

There was a chat log shared from back in 2010 when Emile was 19. About this: he's not a pedophile, nor a groomer. He was an idiot teenager who made dirty jokes. Emile had no intention of doing anything to this person, quite the opposite in fact. There is two separate things over a decade apart and showing them together. When Emile was a teenager, he said lots of dumb things he shouldn’t have. He's 34 years old now and can’t stand by anything he may have typed that long ago. He didn't think anyone could. What he can do is tell people his intentions.

To give an idea of how long ago that chat was: When Emile was 19, The Runaway Guys didn’t exist, he had never appeared at a single convention, Emile hadn’t started college, he still lived at home, he made videos as a hobby/wasn’t professional, and he was working on his first Pokemon Let’s Play. Emile doesn't think something that old should be treated as a representative of the person he is now. In any sense. It was so long ago that he learned the contents of this log existed when others did; he was extremely hurt to be judged for something from so long ago, and that the headline was worded like he assaulted someone. The internet was a very different place then, and being facetious was everywhere. It was like their escape from censorship, and the edgier, the better. It was easy to get caught up in the moment and say things he didn’t mean when he was that young, too. No need to look no further than his terrible old videos for the tasteless things he thought were hilarious at that age or how his sense of humor has changed. Or how internet culture as a whole changed. It might be hard to imagine, but back then, people commonly threw around vulgar language and joked about horrible things like it was nothing. Some people were concerned about one part where he said, “I'm going to rape you” and then said something about a video with a cat. This wasn’t a serious conversation; it was a popular meme at the time and he's sure it was quoting a video of a guy yelling at a cat. He remembers all of his friends quoting it on a daily basis back then, it was like the biggest thing ever.

As for the “pedo-crush” line… Emile doesn't even remember saying it. It was 14 years ago. Probably a joke that was topical. Pedobear was an enormous meme at the time, and jokes dunking on pedophilia were just what internet humor was then. “Loli = Pedo” was a common joke, and given her username, an easy one. Emile definitely learned a long time ago that these sorts of jokes aren’t cool and could be hurtful to victims. Society moved on from this time many years ago, as Emile has too. The difference between then and now can be seen by just looking at anything he types. Most of the rest of the chat is just boring talk about video games they like. Lawly said she doesn’t know why their chats ended abruptly, Emile explained exactly why, and it was because he disliked the direction of these chats and how young she was, and he's told her this numerous times. After a few conversations, Emile took a step back and realized this could not continue. She would constantly initiate raunchy topics with his 19-year-old self. Emile was oblivious at first, thought it was funny shitposting, played off their behavior as a joke, and thought of her as a friend with a dirty sense of humor like many friends he had back then.

After a little while, things started to escalate, and she sent a sexually explicit gift to his house. It made him realize she wasn’t being silly. She was romantically interested in him, not the other way around. The whole thing made him and his mother uncomfortable, and after deliberation, Emile not only rejected Lawly, but cut all contact with her. Emile actually talked about this in the log she posted, and their contact became a lot less frequent after that. It can be seen after this point that they go long periods of time without talking and Emile just tells her he's busy or needs to get going. He doesn't look exactly thrilled about this gift.

Emile did not speak to this person for another 10 years - he had no intention of ever reestablishing contact. Ten years later, she approached him at a convention and that was how they became friends again. Emile thought after that long, she was a new person and deserved a second chance. It was joking around and he was the one who stopped it.

Emile lacked the experience he has now, and thinks this shows he had no romantic or physical interest in her as a teen. And even back then, once he knew it wasn’t a game to her, Emile rejected the "game" and backed off. It upset him when he learned she wanted him. It put so many things she said into perspective and creeped him out. And Emile can see it when he read this log again. This was his learning experience about why even jokes like this aren’t a good idea, and he's never said anything like this to a minor in the 14 years since. Emile specifically remembers telling his mom that leaving that friendship was the most caring thing to do for this person. Speaking as someone who suffered a lot as a child, Emile has many ground rules involving minors and have taken these sorts of things immensely seriously ever since. Emile read through all of it, and to his surprise, she’s the one who initiates the roleplay. She’s the one who pretends to tickle his feet, and goes much further than that too. She was the origin of it, at least in this chat. Emile doesn't know if she’s where Emile got the idea from, but it’s possible. He guess it’s neither here nor there, he didn’t know he was into that at 19 anyway. This next point is something he was unsure about publishing for months. Emile hates that this is relevant, and he would not be sharing this if Lawly didn’t post anonymously. Emile cut contact with her thinking she just had an innocent crush that needed to stop. It was a lot worse than that. Emile was disturbed to find she admitted that in those old chats, her goal was to manipulate him into having sex with her. There are two separate times she told him this story, as well as a time she briefly touched on it.

Emile thinks the whole picture here changes everything about their side of those logs. Lawly's framing of events to make Emile look like the predator really upset him when he saw this again. Regardless of some jokes on a screen, this is the real tragedy Emile prevented from happening. He refused to be her friend for so much less than her actual motive. It wasn’t just him either - she said she targeted multiple other adults for sex. His feelings about this are complicated. It's horrible in so many ways that she wanted to use him for underage sex and then frame it like Emile was preying on them because of some text from 14 years ago. But Emile also feels for them when he thinks about how bad their situation probably was. As for the modern stuff they showed, that was after more than a decade of no contact. Emile had only vague recollections of what their conversations were like back then, and years into this new friendship, Emile was asking if, as adults, they wanted to text roleplay but spicy. He was forward about that so they wouldn’t think he just wanted silly stuff like he remembered them doing. For the record, Emile was single, and she was fine with him asking. Emile wasn’t in a good headspace when he asked them for roleplay stuff; it was the worst year of his life. Emile thought he just wanted to feel close to someone he cared about in that loneliness, Lawly told him she liked/missed roleplay, so Emile thought it natural to ask. Plus by that point, they'd been friends again for years; it was 12 years since he cut contact, Emile didn’t even remember most of their old talks, and they'd put their awkward past behind them, so any bad implications weren’t exactly there for him. Save for the one time they ran into him as an adult, Emile have only ever known this person online. Nothing else ever happened. This was the first time he asked her for anything since learning what he liked. More on that in a second. If Lawly is reading this, Emile is sorry he made her hurt. He doesn't think what he's said changes that. He means it.

Though, Emile guesses he's surprised at this. They were friends up until this, got along better as adults, and he was glad to have her in his life without that inappropriate crush. It was basic knowledge to both of them that she was the one who wanted him and he shut it down. Emile even apologized last year for asking for roleplay stuff and they said she forgave him and considered him a “true friend.” Emile doesn't really know what Lawly was thinking. He didn’t even remember these chats, so he was genuinely confused by what she'd even be speaking out about when he heard it was her. It hurt a lot to see Lawly say that she didn't know if he ever considered him a real friend. Emile told Lawly that she was awesome and funny and smart. A lot. They got each other through difficult times, she was a bright spot in his darkest time, and he admired her for it. Emile spent his birthday with her. She mattered to him so much and they just had a nice conversation about how much we care about each other right before this too. Emile wants Lawly to know that he cried when he wrote this because it was the moment where it really hit him that he will never speak to her again. The hardest part of all this was going through their chats to find proof of his intentions. In doing so, Emile opened a time capsule of a beautiful friendship that doesn’t exist any more and saw all the very real ways they helped each other. He wishes she talked to him about it. He would have listened. Emile saw Lawly as a friend for life. He doesn't want people to be angry at the person who posted those chat logs. They were looking out for their friend/his former friend, and it’s possible they didn’t have this context either. They were being a good friend.

Emile at 19

Emile has something else that speaks to where his mind was at when he was 19. He didn’t want to open up about this at any point, but it’s a part of this now. He's mentioned in the past that he didn’t live the happiest childhood. Due to an especially traumatic time when he was assaulted as a child, Emile was left unable to enjoy sex until well into his adult life. The idea of anything sexual beyond edgy teenage jokes on the internet was foreign to him at 19, and Emile thinks his awkwardness shows it. While Emile may not know why Emile sent every little IM 14 years ago, Emile knows what state his body and mind were in at the time, how Emile struggled with comprehending anything sexual, and how it hindered his attempts at relationships. Even with people Emile was comfortable dating, Emile struggled with concepts like them seeing him naked or enjoying sex for years after that. This can be seen this in his videos with how inept Emile was at knowing about sex for so long or how Emile could say unfortunate things and not know it.

Perhaps this is also why Emile didn’t shut things down sooner and how he didn’t think of what their overtly sexual messages could mean, besides people just being dumb as fuck at 19. Emile had no experience or understanding of sexual situations - it took his mom pointing it out for him to see what was going on. Emile just matched the vibe of his funny friend until it became too much, and then Emile left.

Because of this accusation, Emile had to explain what he went through as a kid to several friends who wanted an explanation. It was humiliating and excruciating to relive it with them, and he cried every time. Emile was trying to essentially train himself to publicly tell every detail, but it became clear after enough hard cries and nightmares that he wouldn’t be able to do that and be okay. It brought him back to terrible places he thought he was done with. Emile was doing so well at not letting it affect him for a few years now, but this dredged it all up. And now he's here telling everyone. It’s out there forever now. He's sorry. He knows it’s a lot.

It’s humiliating to tell people even this much. In order to be believed, Emile has to tell everyone about his childhood trauma, his sex life, his health issues, his breakup, what went on in therapy, the mental ward, how his accuser wanted to use him for sex, and how Emile almost died because of this. It’s extremely painful to talk about. People think they’re owed that from him, and no one will listen if he just says “I didn’t mean that” or “I was only a teenager.” This is the price he's paid to show he wasn’t preying on someone. Emile refuses to call it a win that he could explain himself in this way. Emile didn’t win when he went through that.

After his recent psychological training, Emile thinks his childhood trauma is also how Emile went through so much of life thinking that there was a clear line between his kink and his interest in shoes; also just how “normal” the roleplay felt. Emile had only his interest for most of his life; his roleplaying started innocently long before Emile enjoyed anything physical or even knew Emile had a kink. All Emile knew for a long time was, “I think shoes are funny,” and he didn’t think it was particularly strange that he worked them into stories or talked about them so much. Emile would act out stories about his own shoes when he was little and just never really stopped doing things like that. It’s also where a lot of his sense of humor has always been, and it really was just a joke for many years. The realization that there could be some crossover happened much later in life. Emile compartmentalized things into what was sexual and what wasn’t, probably because he did it for so long without a kink and thought he could go on separating those things by not saying anything arousing for him. It was just very messy and flawed logic for a lot of reasons and intertwined with something Emile struggled to make sense of. He definitely needed psychiatric help for this, and he's really sorry to everyone he hurt because of it.

Enjoying sex is still a problem for him at 34, depending on how much he's reminded of his past. His ability to enjoy it has only existed for a few sections of his life, and he still goes months to years without it. Emile wouldn’t even say the kink he mentioned is that strong these days. It’s been a long time since he last enjoyed it. It’s also associated with trauma now, so he doesn't think he’ll be into that again for a long time as it sounds gross. When looking at the full picture of accusations, Emile want to take this moment to say he's never assaulted or threatened anyone. Every single thing shown was entirely in text messages and fiction. It went no further than that. He felt that wasn’t acknowledged much in the heat of all this. He guesses it is pretty weird. Emile doesn’t think he deserved to nearly be driven to suicide, to have so many personal details revealed, or to watch the health of people he loves decline, and then for the harassment to continue after it got to that point. Especially when he took this seriously long before anything became public. Emile also absolutely made the right decision to leave that toxic friendship that wasn’t fair to Lawly, and he already made that choice 14 years ago to the month. Every single issue here was already resolved privately a long time ago.

Emile will be vulnerable here, as he hopes it might help someone. Seeing the online speculation about him unfold caused him so much stress, he lost eight pounds in a week, developed internal bleeding, and was in the ER twice for blood loss. He would use the bathroom and then lose feeling in his hands. Even worse, they kept needing to take more of his blood every day to test him for his existing health issues that were worsened by this situation. They had to put him on medication to knock him out every night and he's still dependent on it.

Emile's visit to the mental ward

Shortly after his fans last heard from him, Emile had dreams and thoughts about ending his own life. He felt he didn’t deserve to live; That his life was already over. his mother’s high blood pressure was exacerbated by his suicidal ideations, and her health worsened too. She was in the ER twice and only just recently started to recover. When Emile first called his mom about it, she asked him to hang up and call the state suicide prevention hotline. Some kind folks came to his home, Emile told them his side of it, and they placed him in a mental ward for his own protection.

Emile spent a night in a holding facility awaiting care at one point, which was the worst night of this entire ordeal. It was four concrete walls, not properly heated, all alone with his own thoughts of how he wanted to die. But it started to get better after that. Everyone on the inside was kind to him and didn’t judge; they understood how people could misconstrue several things about him. It wasn’t easy, though. Emile cried for his friends many times, not able to know how many of them still liked or cared about me.

While in care, Emile learned he hadn’t been okay mentally for a while and didn’t understand some things about himself. Something his friends were worried about before this all happened. Emile found out he had undiagnosed psychotic depression and a chemical deficiency in his brain. It explained a lot about his life up to this point. He's not sharing this as an excuse; it is the explanation.

Emile could stay bitter/sad about things for years, he handled crisises poorly, and his text roleplay behavior would crop up in times of crisis. He now takes medication for this depression. Heck, just being aware he had it made it so much easier to know what to do and catch it in the act.

As a result of his training and reflection, Emile realized social knowledge that he was lacking. Another behavior that got him into trouble was that if a conversation went far into a topic, and the other person said they were fine with it, that would become the new limit. Emile thought that as long as he explained himself and got an OK, they were all good. This follows a logic, and he can see why he believed this. But he understands now that depending on the person, it can get to be too much if they go there again and again.

Emile wants to thank another patient in the psych ward for pointing out that he got stuck in mental loops during a crisis and helped to snap him out of it. If you’re reading this, Destiny, you really helped Emile, and he only wishes he was here sooner because he put it into the words that finally got through to him.

Emile thinks he needs to go back in time a bit to talk about his mental health. Back in 2021, he went through many hardships all at once and it still stands as the worst year of his life. Emile tried getting psychiatric help, but the mental health industry was overrun due to the pandemic and he was denied help at every turn. At one point, it took his healthcare nine months to get back to him, only to be told “sorry, there’s just nothing available.” Similarly, Emile was physically cut off from everyone he knew and lived alone in his house for months.

The only help Emile could get for this in 2021 at all was a phone service that sponsors YouTubers, and honestly, it didn’t work and he now has a low opinion of it. They didn’t help him figure out his behaviors. It was just “are you suicidal?” and “I'm sorry to hear that.” They even encouraged his roleplaying with friends as a fix for the hardships he was going through. That was how Emile got back into it after a long time and what pushed him to ask Lawly as an adult. Emile would have a few bad years and think he just made some bad calls.

His counselor there didn’t know about the Internet, only listened to him for a few months, and then recommended Emile leave so their schedule could fit in more suicidal people. Emile didn’t realize until 2023 how cruel this was or that he still had lasting trauma from 2021 until a friend told him he wasn’t okay. Emile thinks all of this had a lasting impact. He was operating for the last three years without the psychiatric help he really needed.

How Emile Has Been

Emile has done a lot since his audience last heard from him. It wasn’t all bad. After getting out of the psych ward, Emile left home and went to live with his girlfriend. Emile likes to think all his good luck went into having her around. They had rough days during this, but she was so caring, didn’t judge him for mistakes he made years ago, knew what decisions were healthy, and never stopped believing he wasn’t that same person any longer. "You are the greatest, sweetie!" As soon as Emile felt stable, he took care of her because this situation affected her a lot too. All of this wasn’t fair to her, and Emile helped cause it. For both their sakes, he cannot and will not make a mistake like this again. Emile works hard every day to make sure their future together can be a happy, comfortable life. They had a particularly memorable night where Emile opened up about the full timeline that got him here. Emile cried a lot, but by the end of it, they were acting like things were normal again, laughing and making fun of each other. It was a big turning point. Emile thinks it was the moment he finally forgave his past self. He didn’t get another job but instead lived as a house husband, making sure everything was taken care of for her. His care made him a better chef and gave him a greater understanding of what she’s always done for him.

Emile had some struggles with spending every waking moment writing down video ideas because it was the only routine he knew. His girlfriend liked that he was passionate about something at first, but later worried because it put pressure on him to consider a return to videos. She was right, but stopping was an especially difficult thing to do. This craft has been so much of his life up to this point, and he's always loved the joy it brings to others. It gave him a strong purpose. Emile just kind of sat around for days, not knowing what to do with himself.

About two months into being gone from the internet, Emile began wishing he would be killed. He didn’t want to do it himself any more, but he felt like it would bring an end to his suffering, that he could rest easy believing that. He felt like without his ability to entertain, he had no place in the world. Seeking healthcare where he was staying was difficult, his condition was worsening, and he realized he needed to come home. A lot of people may live in places where this isn’t a problem, but the added stress of tremendous medical bills didn’t help his health either.

Sadly, this meant his partner and Emile couldn’t see each other for a long time. They're long-distance and this situation was so taxing on her health that she needed a medical leave from work. All of this broke right at the start of a visit from his girlfriend. This trip was meant to be extra-special because they were one day away from getting on a plane to go on vacation where she would have met all of his friends for the first time, and this was to be the trip where they would have figured out their long term future living together. Instead, Emile spent half of the visit preparing a statement and the other half in a mental ward while she sat home alone with his friend Tim. Emile didn’t even get to say goodbye because he was still in hospital when she flew home and was forcibly placed in a ward with no visitors. This meant she used up all her vacation time on a trip where Emile didn’t get to see her. Once Emile needed to come home from seeing her, he didn’t know when they could meet again. It’s been hard when they were used to visiting often before and had a whole visit taken away from them at the last second. The timing of this could not have been worse. It’s actually kept him from seeing the person he loves. Emile still don’t know when he can see her again.

There was one night during this time when Emile called a friend and he said some unintentionally harsh things to him about the situation. Emile was in tears and felt like there was no use even trying to explain himself any more. His girlfriend got loud for the very first time he would ever hear and told him he's not a bad person, that people only have one side of this, that every person he's talked to still thought Emile was good, that most people WILL see reason, Emile has the best community, and they are probably just waiting for his side. That she loves him and their cat loves him, and that can't be faked. That she is sick of seeing him cry and that Emile didn’t deserve this much punishment when he took this so seriously before anything was even made public. Every step of this, everyone told him “He wishes he could just say something to make this better.” No one else could. But she figured it out.

Moving Forward

Emile would like to make an ode to his friends. Several reached out the night he came home from the hospital. They didn’t want him to be alone and still believed he was a good person. Heck, Emile thinks some of them believed he was more innocent than he did. It took him a while to see this your way. Emile loves all of them, his friends. Even if they were critical of him, he cannot bring himself to not love them. Some of it was things he already agreed with, some of it was things Emile needed to hear. And some of it was telling him this wasn’t as bad as he thought. Emile wants to thank his best friend Tim/NintendoCapriSun. He handled so many decisions in all of this for him when Emile was not well enough to make them for himself. He cooked for him every day when Emile wasn’t allowed near the knives. Emile thinks he really saved him. Please support Tim with all you can.

Emile didn’t say this last time. He's so sorry for all the heartache and worry he caused his friends and caused his fans. Emile worked hard every day to make sure he would never make them feel like this again and could be dependable once more. Emile really didn’t mean to do harm here, and feel he's learned about himself in ways he didn’t know he needed to. These are positive things. Regardless of his clarifications and context, he definitely still made mistakes and learned lessons, as well as learned new things about how his mind works. Emile doesn't want to get carried away and make it sound like he's 100% blameless. Emile needed psychiatric help for his depression and roleplay behavior. Emile took his criticism of his person seriously and is forever working every day to ensure nothing like this could ever happen again. It will not happen again. Since he was privately confronted about this, Emile saw his therapist before anything was made public.

Emile has never missed a dosage of 4 medications and supplements that better regulate his brain activity and feel more self-aware and cognizant than at any point in his life up to this point. He can be absolutely certain that he would never disappoint anybody like this again. And he says that knowing people will hold him to a higher standard than ever. Emile has and always will continue to give it his all in the psychiatric help he sought out. In his mind, nothing after his apology changed that he meant every word and was already in the process of making good on all of this. Months before anything went public. Some of these, he learned and grew from many years ago. Emile would have mentioned all of this sooner had his mental trauma not kept him from it. He needed to heal.

Just because Emile knows it will come up, he has to be real - this whole experience was so harmful to his health, he's not sure that he even wants this job any more. Emile doesn't know if the life he would have if he started making videos again would be anything he would like. And it sucks to admit that about something he had such a passion for. It’s something he would have to think about for longer. What little creative energy Emile had would always go toward this and not some fun video he wanted to make. He cared more about telling his side of it, fixing his problems, and improving his mental health. He's in no state to perform, so don’t expect him to show up at any events. Emile thinks many people will still have criticisms for him, he anticipates many jokes at his expense too, and that’s okay. He wouldn’t have come here today if he didn’t know and accept that. Emile encouraged his audience to please call the suicide prevention hotline in their area if they are struggling; right now. It worked for him, so maybe this situation can save a life, and then he can say his pain was worth it.

Aftermath

This document resulted in a significant increase in support for Emile and his channels, with the subscriber counts of both his own channel and the Runaway Guys channel gradually increasing again. Emile remained on hiatus until July 2024, stating that this was to protect his mental health, before beginning a gradual return and uploading some long-promised backlogged bonus videos, before making a full return in August the same year with a playthrough of the Future Connected Campaign of Xenoblade Chronicles. Although the controversies had managed to settle and Emile returned to uploading videos on his own channel, the Runaway Guys channel did not properly return to uploading videos until December 14th, 2024.

Gallery

See also

• "YOU'VE BEEN LIED TO" - August 2019 video by ProJared in which he gave his side of the argument of the allegations surrounding him in May 2019, similarly either disproving them and/or showing the full context of them.